No Mustard!

Stories for Another Day

One morning Mim got up as she usually did, ate her breakfast and cleaned her teeth, and then she made a cheese sandwich. But when she went to the cupboard, there was no mustard.

“No mustard!” she cried. “Too bad.” And she went back to bed.

Down by the docks, the string quartet was getting ready to play. The two violins were playing their warming-up scales, and the viola was sounding quite good, for a Monday, but there was no cello. “Where’s Mim?” they said to each other. “A string quartet without a cello is only two violins and a viola. Too bad!” And they went home and went back to bed.

There was a sailing ship waiting at the dock, and its captain, Captain McDoogal, said, “Where’s the string quartet? I can’t possibly set sail without the string quartet playing. Oh well, too bad.” He and all his crew went home and went to bed.

At the castle, the cook was waiting for the ship’s captain to bring her the fish. “Where is the fish?” she said. “I can’t possibly cook breakfast without the fish. Oh well, too bad.” She took off her apron and went back to bed.

Upstairs, the captain of the guard said to his men, “It’s time to raise the flag for the day.” But his men shook their heads.

“We haven’t had any breakfast,” they said. “We can’t raise the flag unless we’ve had our breakfast.”

The captain of the guard said, “Of course you can’t. Oh well, too bad.” They all took off their helmets and their jackets and went back to bed.

In her bedroom at the very top of the castle, Queen Kiri had been up for hours. There was always so much to do, reading papers, writing letters, making new laws to make sure that her people were healthy and happy, so she was always up very early. She looked out of her window and saw that the flagpole was empty.

“Oh no! Where is the flag?” she said. She rang the small bell that she kept on her desk and the Head Servant, Bogg, came in.

“Bogg, why isn’t the flag flying?” she asked.

“Because the captain of the guard and all his men are in bed,” Bogg answered.

“This will never do,” Kiri said. “Follow me.” She went down the stairs to the guards’ room. “You must get up and raise the flag immediately,” she told them. “If the flag is not flying, then the spies from the sixth kingdom will think I am dead or else away on a long trip, and they will start plotting and planning and their wicked king will call up his army and invade us and overrun the kingdom!”

The captain of the guard turned pale. “I’m sorry, your majesty, but we can’t raise the flag. My men haven’t had their breakfast.”

“Breakfast?” said the queen. “What’s that got to do with it?”

“The flag is kept locked in the Royal Safe, and the door is so heavy that it takes three of the strongest men in the kingdom to open it,” he said. “And if they haven’t had their eggs and spinach and orange juice, they don’t have the strength to open it.”

“Oh dear,” said Kiri. “Then they must have their breakfast this minute.”

“But the cook is in bed,” said the captain of the guard.

“We’ll see about that,” she said. Down the stairs they went, to the cook’s bedroom, and knocked on the door. Queen Kiri said, “Cook, you must get out of bed and make breakfast immediately.”

“I can’t,” the cook said. “Captain McDoogal hasn’t brought me my fish.”

“Fish?” said Kiri. “What’s fish got to do with it?”

The cook said, “I have to feed all the under-cooks and dairymaids and scullery-maids with fresh fish caught from the middle of the Bay of Moonflowers every morning, or else they turn into bears.”

Kiri gasped. “Do you mean to tell me that right now the kitchen is full of bears?” she asked.

“Dozens of them,” the cook said. “I don’t dare set a foot inside it.”

“We’ll see about that,” Kiri said. She put on her outdoor shoes and she and the cook and all the guards and Bogg, the Head Servant, went down to the docks. They found Captain McDoogal tucked up in bed.

“Get out of bed, Captain McDoogal,” Queen Kiri said sharply. “You must go and and catch some fish from the middle of the Bay of Moonflowers at once!”

“I can’t,” said Captain McDoogal, pulling the covers up to his chin. “I can’t set sail unless the string quartet is playing, and they are all in bed.”

“You can’t set sail without a string quartet playing?” Kiri said. “Won’t a trumpet do, or a kazoo?”

“No,” said the captain, “because the sea monster who lives under the waters of the bay rises up and destroys any boat sailing in the bay and swallows every one of the sailors whole, unless he is soothed by a string quartet playing lullabies.”

“A sea monster?” spluttered the queen. “We have a sea monster in the bay?”

“Only a very tame one,” everyone said.

“Except when it comes to boats and sailors, when he’s grumpy first thing in the morning,” Captain McDoogal said.

Kiri closed her mouth firmly, and a determined look came into her eye. “We’ll see about that,” she said. They all went to the street where the string quartet players lived. Even Captain McDoogal got out of bed and put his hat on and came along.

“Get up, all of you!” Kiri shouted. “The fate of the kingdom is in your hands!”

The two violinists and the viola-player put their heads of their windows sleepily, and asked what was going on.

“You must come and play to soothe the sea monster, so the cook can have her fish and the flag-raisers can have their breakfast, THIS MINUTE!” Queen Kiri said very firmly.

“We can’t,” the musicians said. “Without our cello-player, Mim, none of us can play in tune, and the monster just gets more angry. Sometimes he even snaps at our viola-player.” Which wasn’t very surprising, since the viola-player was the worst by far.

“Where is Mim?” the queen said, in a scarily patient voice.

The musicians said, “She’s…”

“Don’t tell me,” said the queen, “she’s in bed.”

The musicians nodded. “Sometimes if she runs out of mustard for her cheese sandwiches, she goes back to bed.”

“Mustard?” said Kiri. “Am I hearing you right? Did you say mustard? The fate of the kingdom hangs on a cheese sandwich?”

The viola-player said, “There’s a flock of savage swans living in Mim’s front garden. Unless she throws cheese and mustard sandwiches at them, she can’t even get out of her front door.”

“Right,” said Kiri. “This has all gone much too far. Bring me some mustard – NOW!”

Bogg ran off and borrowed a jar of mustard from the house next door. Queen Kiri tossed it up through Mim’s window. Mim put the mustard on her cheese sandwiches and threw them to the swans so she could get safely out of her front door. Then the string quartet went down to the docks and played lullabies, Captain McDoogal set sail and soon brought back some fresh fish which he gave to the cook who quickly turned the bears back into dairymaids and scullery-maids and under-cooks, so they could all make breakfast for the guards and the flag could finally be raised.

Queen Kiri sat down on her throne, exhausted. “Just in time!” she said. “I’m sure I saw a spy from the sixth kingdom snooping around just now.” Then she made a proclamation. “This must never happen again! I proclaim that Mim be given a new jar of mustard from the royal kitchens every week, so she never runs out again.” But just to be on the safe side, she made a spare flag with her own hands and kept it in a drawer in her desk, so that if Mim ever ran out of mustard again, the kingdom would be safe.